I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. - Ron White
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. - Mitch Hedberg
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneres
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. - Mark Twain
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. -Hedy Lamarr
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. - Robin Williams
We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know. - W. H. Auden
I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It's chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one. -Paul Simon
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